To paraphrase Catherine in Wuthering Heights “Whatever our souls are made of – Google maps and mine are the same.” On a very primal level – we both are lost and we both vehemently deny that we are.
When I ask how to get to any place people try to give me all kinds of useless directions. It isn’t their fault really that I do not get ‘WHC ROAD’ Or Colaba Causeway or Connaught place or any acceptable landmark.
My partner gets me thoroughly though – if only I could I would load him on my phone. He tells me to go to that square with that fat statue and turn right – after five min you reach that stinking drain which you always complain about – keep going straight till you reach a Dirty Blue color building with a yellow stripe on it and then take a left. We had dinner for our first anniversary at that restaurant on this road – stop beside it and thats the place!!!
He sometimes draws these maps out for me. If he cheats on me and I get mad – I shall remember these maps and love him again.
But I digress.
Google maps though is sadly nothing like my partner.
So today my friends decide to meet up at the new Pizza Hut in town. I don’t ask anyone for directions. There is this supreme confidence that only comes from complete ignorance.
Just type it into Google maps.
It calculates the shortest possible route and I follow it blindly. I do not stop to think if this is a sensible route – would the longer route actually be more practical? Do I know this road? Does it look familiar?
No. Type. Search. Follow.
No questions. No doubts.
I would make an excellent disciple of some flaky religious leader.
Of course, I find out belatedly, when it calculates a route apparently it does not take into account how wide or narrow the road is or rather it assumes (wrongly) that all roads in India are of a standard acceptable width. As I entered the street I could see it was rather narrow to begin with but I pushed on stubbornly ahead. I think I actually believed Google god would come down from heaven and do what the Municipal corporation hasn’t been able to – widen the road.
As I kept going the road kept getting narrower and narrower. I began to show the first signs of a mild panic attack in that I started whispering to myself – ‘You stupid mad woman! Turn back – turn back now. It is still possible. No no keep going – it cannot get worse than this. Turn back – keep going – turn back – keep going.’ You get the picture.
The problem of the narrowness of the road was compounded by two wheelers parked left and right. And since no other car ever ventured down those roads ( Because NO ONE else follows Google maps in my city)the two wheelers were like kings of the jungle. As my car inched on ahead I could almost feel each vehicle snarl and growl and bare their teeth, snapping at my heels.
Now I drive a very small car. In fact if my car lost an inch more it could run on 2 wheels instead of four without skipping a heartbeat. That’s how small it is. So when I say this road was narrow – I mean NARROW. Any narrower and the shops on either side would be kissing each other.
People began coming out of shops and homes salivating in the hope of a spectacle.
And I made sure they were not disappointed.
Bam. Crash. Casualty one. I knock off a cycle.
Bam. Crash. Casualty two. A motorbike bike goes down.
Crunch. Wheels of car go over something I do not care to identify.
Screech. Either car has scratched something or someone has run their nails down its side.
Then people start to give advice and someone volunteers to provide a non stop commentary to the onlookers.
Aao aao.. aage bado aage bado ( come on come on – move ahead)
why did you take this road?
Help her.
Stupid woman.
Tsk Tsk Tsk.
Nowadays anybody wants to drive without even knowing how.
You know how men suck in their paunches when a beautiful woman is around? This time men AND women were doing that. However not because they were trying to impress me – Just to avoid getting squashed into a wafer.
Finally I reached a point where I HAD to stop.
Can’t go ahead.
Can’t go back.
Can’t go up.
Can’t go down.
Can’t pick up skirts and flee.
Can’t stay put and die.
(Oh there is a song here.. Note to self: work on this later)
How I wished at this point my car was a batmobile.
An especially courageous and optimistic man whose scooter (with his 5 year old perched on it) was blocking my way – says don’t worry you can come through- just keep going. His son’s expression told a different story. I decided if the man isn’t worried then well.. who am I to object? I pressed down on the accelerator. My car actually sucked in her belly and with the grace of a sailor-man-doing-ballet movements pirouetted ahead. The boy jumped off the scooter to safety but I think I scarred him for life. The scooter got dinged a bit. I lifted my shoulders and stuck out my tongue at the annoyed man. Seems to work in such situations.
Finally I was in the clear. Leaving behind in my wake a tsunami like mess of overturned bikes and cycles, scarred children and incredulous adults – I could almost hear the thunderous applause as I raced to the finish line.
I came out on the biggest road of the area. A street I was so familiar with I could reach it in my sleep. A road wide enough to fit 4 or 5 models of my car side by side. A road I could have reached in 10 min instead of the 25 I took.
Sigh.
Google. You evil evil man. You are sniggering somewhere aren’t you?
EverydayEverythingEveryone 