Mobile phones and I have an understanding. We do not believe in long committed relationships. We like to enjoy each other while the fun lasts and then part ways on good terms while still mildly infatuated with each other, thereby ensuring that the memories are always bittersweet.
The discovery of possibilities of such a relationship happened quite by chance when I went to see a movie. Somewhere in the middle of sobbing over the millions that had been flushed down the toilet in a successful attempt to make an utterly brain dead movie – my phone decided that it no longer wanted to be with a woman with such bad taste in movies. Quite silently he slipped out of my pocket and lay quietly on the theatre floor till the end of the movie when I walked out. When I did discover how he’d sneaked out without so much as a note I tried calling and calling but he had always been that strong silent type and I got no response. I remember crawling around the movie theatre floor with a torch and an theatre attendant for company scanning the underbellies of theatre seats. He found popcorn, cola, earrings, questionable liquids and hair ( I refused to identify origin). The man helping me did get quite a bit of cleaning done that evening.
Finally after an indeterminate period of time on my knees I decide to make peace with the fact that I had been dumped. Unceremoniously and in the middle of a movie with no warning whatsoever.
I was crushed. Came home and cried my eyes out. The next day I went out and brought home a new paramour. Within a few days my rebound relationship began to flourish and I’d forgotten about movie dumper completely. The newbie and I took a trip to South Africa… an utterly wonderful and incredible holiday. On the very last day as I packed up to leave, he continued to lie between the sheets unwilling to move a muscle. I couldn’t risk missing my flight and was forced to leave him behind. I suspect he took a fancy to one of those shiny new gadgets the south africans were toting – The LG chocolate. Either that or the cleaning lady( I did catch her giving him the eye more than once) but I cannot be sure.
Several failed relationships later I found someone who I felt I could really commit to. Suave and sturdy the Omnia engulfed me.. I fell for it hook line and sinker. But I was a wise woman now or so I thought. I insisted on a pre-nup. Apparently insurance companies provide those for phones these days. I signed it feeling secure in the fact that this time I would lose nothing. Not only did the freak leave me without warning, I suspect he left me for another woman. When I showed up to ensure that I get my money – the damn fools told me that there was no evidence of an affair. Prove the affair – take the money. The police seemed entirely disinterested in my tragedy and in fact even remarked snidely who told you to get involved with someone so high maintenance?
On the rebound I had a very brief high voltage affair with an iPhone. Sparks flew all throughout the One Month stand and tragically attracted scavengers. Someone showed the damn chap a stocking clad long leg and he was off before I even caught his last name ( which was 4 by the way – I learned much later).
After that I made a set of rules for myself and I adhere to them strictly. Here are some of them:
1. Phones that cost more than a certain amount ALWAYS ditch. They are Casanovas. Not to be trusted. Also phones which come with numbers attached like the iPhone4,5 are to be avoided like the plague. A person who flaunts his conquests is not a trustworthy person.
2. Phones that cost under a certain amount will more or less stay with you forever unless you visit a foreign country in which case the idea of the conversion of illegal immigrant to green card holder eventually is too powerful to resist.
3. Mobile Phones cannot be put in bags, back pockets, front pockets, side pockets ( actually any pockets), cars, laps, restaurant tables, shopping carts, mall counters. Basically mobile phones are to be left at home beside the landline. The landline seems to have a calming influence on them and their wanderlust is quelled for a bit.
4. Do not try to have a fulfilling long term relationship – it cannot and won’t last and the only one who gets hurt is you. Instead – enjoy each day as it comes.
5. And finally do not allow your mobile phone to come into contact with other members of your family like the tablet or the bluetooth. It doesn’t bode well for long term relationships.
There was a time when my parents offered to buy me 12 phones of 500 rupees each on my birthday. Use and throw they said. Talk about modern parents. Encouraging empty relationships 😉 Tsk Tsk…