The Sadism of Inanimate Objects

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The Truant Towel: 10 degrees on a cold winter morning in an unheated house. You bathe under wonderfully hot water and then stretch out your hand to reach for the towel and find that somewhere in the middle of your hot shower it had sneaked off to chat with its girlfriends. You step out of the shower shivering and tiptoe naked around looking for the damn thing to find it draped over a chair in your bedroom sniggering at the goosebumps on your naked thighs.

The Callous Car key:  You are rushing pillar to post with a never ending list of errands and finally come to the end of a nightmarish day – running back to your car to finally head home – already hallucinating about a glass of wine only to find that after 7 minutes of rummaging through your bag – NO CAR KEYS. After 13 min of frantic searching inside the building you just exited – you find it – comfortably letting it all hang out INSIDE the car. I swear – one time – the damn thing raised its keychain and waved at me from inside the car.

The Petulant Pen: The pen that will keep appearing within arms reach every single time you move your gaze around but go scuttling and hide under a chair the moment you get an important call and have to take down an important message involving a series of numbers which you will not remember otherwise. Oh and sometimes – you do find it right by your right hand when you need it – except this time – it will be constipated and it won’t write.

The Homicidal Heel : The heel of your favorite pair of shoes which will let you parade all about the house when you try it on with multiple outfits without so much as a squeak and then make a break for it in a wedding reception when you decide to make a spectacle of yourself in the middle of a dance floor.

The Flatulent Flat Tyre: The one that will hold all its gas until you are in the middle of the wilderness and then let it all out in one massive odorless fart leaving you stranded on a dark deserted street and a mobile phone with no reception.  So now you are hobbling down NH76  like a one legged pirate flagging down lifts because not only you have a flat – you also locked yourself out of your own stupid car.

The Mobile Manure: When you park carefully by the side of the road and then step out right into freshly baked cow dung which you could swear wasn’t there 1 sec ago. And it will be open sandals. Always. Open. Sandals.

Sometimes they all conspire together. The heel and the key and the tyre. They hold meetings in the dead of the night. Like they are part of a resistance movement. They wait for you to settle into bed with a good book on a hot summer night and then go trip the circuit so that they can plot their next move in peace.

And that is when the most vicious object of them all – strikes.

Under cover of darkness – the corner of the bed tends to grow in the manner of Pinocchio’s nose. And on cue I will get up to check on that tripped circuit and my shin – oh my shin – will contact that effing edge of the bed – and I kid you not – I can hear the bed guffaw – the keys yell ‘bullseye’ while the towel and the pen hi five each other.

It is a cruel world out there.

 

 

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www.judgepeople.com

370b303e1460d2691d353ec28f613396.jpgSo apparently just like you are asked to rate your Ola/Uber drivers..they are expected to rate you too.

The desire to be liked is so strong that I found myself shamelessly peering over my driver’s shoulder to see what rating had he given me and I must admit feeling very relieved to have gotten a five star rating. He probably gave that to everybody but the whole episode got me thinking – How many people are rating me ?

My grocer? My gardner? My hairstylist?

What do they write in the additional comments ?

Talks too little.

Does not receive phone calls.

Does not dress Indian enough.

Loves Methi (Fenugreek). Hates Pumpkin.

 Gets too impatient when late.

Wrinkles up her nose if the cab smells stale.

(Actually I also look closely at the cushioning – ONCE I FOUND BLOOD STAINS  which got my head caught up in a tornado imagining dead rotting bodies in the boot and what not)

Anyway I digress.

I imagine all the star ratings and comments going into a giant database that tells you a little something about a billion people.

In the future you could look for partners like you look for hotels. Log in to http://www.judgepeople.com (I checked – the domain name is available) and type in your requirement. Add the number of minimum stars four or five. Select criteria like patience. Generosity. Loves kissing in the backseat of a car. And press search.

And you have your perfect match.

Not choosing people solely on their profile pictures and their self commentary but actual ratings by actual people that they deal with every day of their lives.

You could choose someone based on your mutual love for cinema hall popcorn or karela as reported by the vegetable vendor on the app. Or computer games as reported by the techie guy.

If someone is good to the taxi driver I bet there is a high likelihood of him being an overall nice person.

I know one thing though. I am not letting my auxiliary staff get onto that app whenever that is made. I’d be in negative within three minutes.

On the bright side  – everyone would try to be their brightest sweetest best everywhere they go in the hope of a good rating.

Where to keep my Books?

Finally I took the plunge today.

Ordered a Kindle. 

I feel like I betrayed someone or something. 

After years of turning pages and holding books up to my nose to take in the new book/old book/ in between new and old book smell – I feel like a traitor. 

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But there is no other way. There is just not enough storage space. I have toyed with the idea for over a year and finally the day is upon me. 

In my defense though I did consider and rule out all of the following options below one by one:

1. Buy a new place exclusively to house my books. But the whole going back and forth to read business kind of made me cancel the idea. Oh and the fact that I couldn’t afford a new house. 

2. Throw away unimportant things like food/clothing and keep books instead. If I am very hungry I could look at my recipe books and sigh. I did buy them for that purpose alone. To look at and drool. However that does not leave me with enough space so no use anyway. 

3. Make all my family members shift into the kitchen so that the rest of the house could be used for book storage. I have realized over time that people occupy less space than books. Also people can be folded and pushed into a corner without much damage. Books on the other hand… There is no way I am folding pages – so forget it. But after facing stiff resistance from the other members of the household I had to fold. No pun intended. They just don’t understand the need of the hour. 

4. I considered asking all my friends for corners of their homes to store books. But dropped the idea again (refer to point 1) That and the fact that I don’t trust my friends. They are quite likely to squirrel out the books to some unknown location and they could be lost to me forever. Stolen books are so much more fun to read.  

5. Sell/Give away the books I am done reading. Let me tell you a story. My mom once long ago gave away a carton of old comics/books thinking I am done reading them. Till this day I spend long hours tracing and buying them back over the internet stores for 4 times what they cost then. I still haven’t traced the old World war II comics covering the resistance and I still grumble about it to her whenever I go home.

6. Stop buying more books……………………………………………………. hahahahahhahahhah. I know. I know. Stupid Idea.  I must have been high on book binding glue. 

So after these and several other impractical ideas like living in the balcony/buying crossword itself and converting it to a home cum library/ – I realized that I cannot hold out any more. 

If I have to read – and read books that I own ( What was that? Join a library? Tsk Tsk……no self respecting reader ever relies on the local library)  – there is just no other way. 

So like I said before I finally bought it. 

It hasn’t arrived yet. And for the next 30 min after I ordered it online – I toyed with the idea of canceling the order. 

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But I haven’t and I shall stick with it. Worst case scenario-  if I hate it – I shall only download one book on it and pretend the whole thing is just one hard cover SCI FI book and store it on the shelf between Cosmos and Freakonomics in the spice cupboard in the kitchen where the rest of the family is drugged and sleeping while I sell body parts one by one to pay for the new house and of course new books. 

 

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