We vent on Facebook. We tell stories, we confess, we argue, we cry, we reminisce, we forgive, we declare relationship statuses and we sob when they change, we outline our lives from childhood to date, we even express our suicidal intentions. It just occurred to me – Facebook is the new age shrink. Minus the quintessential sofa and the low soft voice mouthing the hackneyed line “How are we today?”
Everyone is in love on Facebook. Everyone. No kidding.
In fact – if you are in a bad, boring relationship – Mark Zuckerberg sends you a copy of ‘Relationship for Dummies’ with a note – ” Pull up your socks. Study and reappear for eligibility test. “
After you have surfed through the book and obtain a temporary membership of the ‘I am in LOve forever and ever and ever after ‘ Club – your actual initiation begins.
You will suddenly feel compelled to post pictures of red balloons and bouquets of roses and say things like “To the love of my life…Happy 26th minute anniversary” (Just for the sake of clarity – Not talking about the good kind of 26 minutes)
“Thank you for being with me in all the good times and bad.. I look back to 19 days ago when we first held hands and since then our love has only grown stronger conquering all odds. ” Here is where we all tear up.
“I love you XYZ… Miss you soooooo much sweetie pie… (Even though you are sleeping right beside me even as I type this on Facebook) I hope we continue to be this much in love forever ( Pause to dig sweetie pie in the ribs – Stop snoring stupid. I can barely hear myself think as I write this note of undying love to you) #loveisforever#jglfkdajglj#iloveyou#l;skflsk;f#dljfkldgkl#becausehashtagsarecool #becauseeveryonedoesit #becauseifinallylocateditonmykeyboard
I am telling you – relationship counsellors be warned. Facebook is putting you out of business. It takes bad couples and ordinary couples and good couples and perfect couples and stupid couples and abusive couples and irritating couples and any and every kind couple – and puts them in a big room painted with hearts,feeds them ruby red strawberries, makes them read chetan bhagatesque romance novels and paints them with Facebook Viagra for Love.
Then everyone exits the room and heads straight for the computer and logs in on Facebook and declares eternal undying love. Sometimes twice in the same day.
And God forbid that despite the constant tutoring by Facebook – you turn out to be a bad student and realize that your relationship is less than perfect and that 1-2 minutes of togetherness is nothing to shout out about from rooftops then you have condemned yourself to a lifetime of watching other people’s photographs and status updates complete with ‘feeling loved emoticons’ and pursing your lips with envy.
Of course plan B would be to spend all your time telling people every detail of every day. That’s always so entertaining. And also it shows that even though you are not in a perfect perfect Brangelina relationship – you have a rocking life. Eating Anda Poha at the station… yehhhhhh #F$£k#jbkfdhjglkadjkhg
Hopefully you never have to resort to Plan B.
So straight after the morning cup of tea you log in and then look at your husband with irritation and say – See Mr and Mrs Cant-keep-their-hands-off-each-other – why can’t you be more like him? They are so in love even after 365 days.
And he will say nothing and just to annoy the hell out of you will go click ‘like’ on that picture.
Damn him. Forget it.
Let me go bake a heart shaped gooey chocolate cake so that I can click a Selfie with it and post it with the caption “On Valentine’s for my Shona…”(Because your cholesterol is only 10000 and his blood glucose level is only a million and a chocolate cake is definitely the best way to ensure I love you forever – because forever ain’t going to last long at this rate)
P.S. Don’t get me wrong. This post is not intended to hurt the sentiments of anyone. And – I am all for love. In all its forms. This is just in jest. Please go ahead and ooze sappiness. It intrigues me no end.
I am forever amazed at people who send random friend requests on Facebook. You don’t know them – you have never met them and yet there’s that friend request smugly sitting in your notification panel.
I am sure there is nothing wrong in principle with looking to befriend new and interesting people ( Serial murderers should be a most engaging choice) but still.
I know of four categories for sure… but there may be more.
Category 1: The people-you-knew-decades-ago requests.
What is really amusing is that most people won’t even send you a message along with that request.. Why should they do all the hard work? They clicked ADD FRIEND didn’t they? You are expected to go to their profile check out their information (which will almost always be incomplete) and see their little koala bear for a profile pic and say yehhhhh… I remember this person. I studied with her two decades ago and now I recognize that she probably is the type to have a marsupial fetish. This has to be Richa. Accept Friend request.
This happens to be the most oversensitive category as well.
If you dare message – Hello.. Do we know each other? You’d most likely get a scathing retort like yes – from 5th standard in school (50millions years ago) but since you don’t remember I withdraw the request!!!!
Category 2: Send-every-single-person-on-Facebook-a-friend-request kind of person.
There will be no mutual friends. And there will be no accompanying message or note. These are the Lets-try-our-luck-with-everybody kind of people. The kind of person who buys a lottery ticket every weekend and doesn’t really care if they lose every single week. Oh and when Facebook eventually blocks them – they send a message like the following: “Hi..how r… can plz send frnd req?”
Category 3: The-pretend-mistaken-friend request.
They send it to you and when you write back saying – Do we know each other? They will almost have the same thing to say. “No.. sorry… I sent that by mistake. But since I sent it anyway lets be friends.” ( How very convenient)
And then the most amusing category of them all.
Category 4: Friend-request-with-idiotic-accompanying-message
The ones whose random request comes accompanied by a note. The message is almost always corny. The language will be juvenile – the message even more so. But always – always entertaining.
Hi, just trying to wish you a happy new year and hoping to hear from you soon. Sorry if my message is against your tradition but I am just easy going , simple man seeking a true friend in my life. Thanks for your audience. (How’s Happy new year against anyone’s tradition?)
But once in a while there will be the truly hilarious ones.
The hottest arms on facebook. Cannot send a friend request, dont know why. Why are you so circumspect about strangers? (Does he have the hottest arms or do I? He cannot send a request and doesn’t know why? Hint: You are obviously a stalker that FB banned )